Tag: poem

Unending hurt

Emotional abandonment created in him a longing to feel worthy of attention and love. It started in childhood when his parents were dealing with a family tragedy in their lives which caused a deep depression in them. Their emotional shutdown caused their remaining children to feel abandoned. As a young boy he learned how to became charming and polite to get other peoples attention to replace the attention he wasn’t getting at home.

As a teenager budding into a young man he became even more charming and learned how to manipulate young women so that he would always have at least three in his life: the one he just left holding onto his left hand, the one he was with holding onto his right hand, and the one he was potentially going to next standing on the sidelines with open arms. That is a pattern that continues today and will never end because his need for attention and the feeling of being loved can never be filled by anyone but his mother and she can never turn back the clock to his childhood and replace the lack of emotion, love, attention and acceptance that he longs for.

I wish I had understood this when we met, maybe I wouldn’t have let myself fall for his charms. By the time we met he had perfected his charming craft. I should have realized the string of women he had in his life was a warning sign. A string of exes on the hook, never completely severing ties. A compulsion to flirt with every woman he meets until she finds him irresistible. All of this allows him choices. The one he is with at any given time believes she is the one he will be faithful to. She thinks she holds his heart in her hands but his heart is elusive and unable to be satisfied, always needing more. He will bind her up in an emotional chord that she will find hard to cut as he charmingly attaches her to himself for a lifetime.

She is lost in loving him

While he Calls, texts, meets others

On the down low

Always setting up the next

Possibility

Just in case he decides to leave

Or she leaves

He won’t be alone

He can’t be alone

He is terrified of it

He must have attention

To feel the possibility of love

He never learned

That he is enough and

Worthy of love

There was a time I foolishly believed his confessions of forever love and allowed him to bind me with his charming chord. I may never be completely free of his memory and he will forever love me in his way. It’s just a very toxic way. Decades have passed and I’m still not completely healed from his emotional abandonment, but I have survived it, and now I am finally able to recognize it and the effects of it in him and in me.

He isn’t the only soul lost in such a cycle. All of us create pain in various ways as we damage other souls while trying to find love and be loved. In healing I am learning to accept myself, to be content with myself, to love myself.

Now I stand alone, hoping that I will not fall into another emotional hole and praying that I will not create any more pain or damage to another soul in the ever elusive arena of love.

E.A. Fussell

11.25.2020

Versions of Life in Three Rows

Sometimes

I live like the women in the front row

Full on, fearless, loving it

Sometimes

Like the women in the second row

At a distance from risk, safe

But mostly enjoying myself

Sometimes

Like the women in the third row

Going through the motions

Wrapped up in surviving

Joyless

I wonder

Is it possible to live every minute

In the first row

Or is a little third row needed

Here and there for comparison

Are there people

Who never experience

Life in the first row or the third

Life is a rollercoaster ride

The sum of it

Can be determined

By where we choose to sit

E.A. Fussell

11.23.2020

Yinglong on the Yangtze

In the foggy mist

Of the ancient dawn

The dragon’s breath

Was hard to see

As we poled our sampan

On the Yangtze

The albatross calling out

A warning screech

Drew our attention

There we saw Yinglong

Towering over the valley

Wings ready to take flight

We watched in awe

As he stood in the muted sunlight

Afraid he would see us

As a breakfast morsel

He either didn’t see us

Or chose to let us pass

Either way

We will remember

This haunting scene forever

And each time of remembrance

We will feel especially blessed

E.A. Fussell

11.22.2020

Creation Awareness

Understand

Your soul

Does not have to be bound

By three dimensional

Earthly existence

Your mind

Is what makes you believe

Your soul is trapped

Inside your body

But at any given moment

You can transcend the shackles

Of your mind

And experience all of creation

Resting in your very essence

Quietly waiting

For you to discover

You are a part of all things

All things are a part of you

Sit quietly

Let awareness show you

How magnificent

You were created to be

E.A. Fussell

11.22.2020

Waiting for the Dance

People wonder why

I choose to me alone

At this time in my life

It’s difficult for them

To understand

That I’m waiting

To find someone

Similar to me

Who’s roots have never taken hold

Because he was waiting for me

When we find each other

Our roots will entwine

And run deeper

Than they ever could have alone

E.A. Fussell

11.21.2020

Choosing better, as we age

Minute by minute

We are changing at a cellular level

Little things can make a difference

Like choosing more

Vegetables and fruit

Instead of sugary snacks

Walking, hiking, biking, swimming

Moving daily

In any way that

Refreshes the body and mind

Our cells are going to change

Regardless

And our choices do affect

The change we experience

Weight, skin, organs, tissue

Are impacted by our choices

Environment, exercise, nutrition

Play a role and compound the effect

Of choices made

Over the years

The effects of bad choices

Start showing up

Plus

Aging brings on its own challenges

When coupled with years

Of youthful neglect

I now have to consciously choose

To try and repair the damage

And prevent further deterioration

Of my body, yes, but

More importantly of my mind

Breaking old habits

That have been reinforced

By years of bad choices

Requires diligence and dedication

Some days go great

Some days not do much

My desire to age in a quality way

Keeps me moving forward

Shaking off the bad days

Rejoicing in the good ones

Knowing that each day

Presents itself anew

And allows me

Another opportunity

To cleanse my system

And my vitality renew

E.A. Fussell

11.19.2020

Flowery Friendship

When I scroll through your texts from the past three years or so. Pictures of flowers color my screen. Almost daily you have sent me a virtual flower. Wild ones from your walks, gardened ones from your mom’s yard, random ones you like. You are a dear friend and I can no longer see a flower of any kind without thinking of you. I’m not sure what makes a person as consistent as you are but I am thankful to be on the receiving end of your consistency.

E.A. Fussell

11.18.2020