Can you hear me

I used to tell you

I love you to the moon and back

A million times

Do you remember

You were the only thing

That kept me hoping

And now

Somedays it feels like

All hope is gone

This is one of those days

I see your eyes

Light up

I hear your laugh

I feel your hug

I’m running to you

Running for my life

But going nowhere

I wake up

And I’m still in this lonely place

I know you’ll make it

Anywhere

I wish you had known that

While you were here

You made your choice

I have to accept that

But to think I might not ever

See your eyes again

Makes it hard not to cry

Can you hear my voice

Can you see my tears

Do you know how very much

I love you

No matter that worlds

Separate us now

You live on in my mind

And in my darkest days

The memory of

Your beautiful smile

Lights my way

And eventually

Pulls me up from

The darkest place

E.A. Fussell

02.21.2021

A never ending battle

Mastering detachment from

Thoughts that cause pain

Letting them show up

Letting them go

Not ignoring them exactly

Simply acknowledging

They are there and

A choice can be made

When they come

To engage with them

Or not

Wallow in misery

Become immobilized by pain

Walking down memory lane

Or sit quietly

Reflecting only the love

That exists in the memory

Detachment allows

Awareness of the emotion

While choosing not to get lost in it

On the outside others wonder

What is going on

Is it denial

When will the grief express itself

They fail to understand

The grief expresses itself

Every minute

Internally

Asking me to pick it up

Play with it

Scream, sob, be ripped apart by it

I acknowledge the request

And choose not to participate

At least for this moment

Understanding that

In the next moment

When the invitation comes again

I may not be strong enough

To remain detached

I may choose

To play with grief

Let it overtake me

The invisible battle inside

My mind and heart

Going on minute by minute

Turning me into someone else

I’m not sure who she will be

This woman who no longer

Has a son

Is no longer a mother

Can no longer expect to be called

Grandmother

She is something different

Than the me of a week ago

But not yet what the me will be

After battling this grief

Which moment by moment

Asks to consume me

E.A. Fussell

1.30.2021

Looking backwards

Enlightenment

It’s such a catchy phrase

People toss it around

Like confetti

Sparkly and fun

It’s not fun at all

It’s a simple complicated process

Filled with regrets and guilt

Sorrow and remorse

Forgiveness and letting go

Burning up thoughts

Ripping out layers of programming

To reach increasing levels of

Insight

Understanding

And finally

Wisdom

Which eventually leads to

Enlightenment

Thinking back on my

Decades of seeking it

I am reminded of an old saying

Ignorance is bliss

Sometimes I wish I was still ignorant

Of this thing others call

Enlightenment

Sometimes I wish I was still

That blissful young woman

In her twenties who hadn’t heard of

The catchy phrase yet

She was wrapped up

In thoughts of her husband

And her young son

She was ignorant of trying to reach

A higher level of consciousness

Yes, sometimes I wish I was still her

If given a second chance

I’m not sure I would choose to chase

The catchy phrase

I might let someone else

Have all of the confetti

And stay safely

In the ignorance of my blissful life

Instead of setting out on this long

Painful pilgrimage

Through truth to enlightenment

That blisters like the sun

The journey of which has been

Many things

But most certainly

Not fun

E.A. Fussell

01.24.2021

Accepting

Self awareness

You have to meet people

Where they are

Not where you wish they were

Or even where you are

We are on individual journeys

Existing on different planes

Of consciousness

As much as you may want someone

To see things the way you see them

They may not choose to

They may not be ready to

They may not ever be able to

Their journey through this world

May be very different than yours

And that’s okay

You are only responsible for

Your own journey

Accepting others where they are

In their journey means letting go

Of being right

Right for you may be wrong for them

Right for them may be wrong for you

Only God judges in the end

And when you stand before Him

He will only be looking at you

Not them

E.A. Fussell

01.24.2021

Loss of a son

Wild fire

Blazing in my heart

Burning up my mind

The mother in me is ravaged

My soul knows

You are in a better place

No more suffering

You are with the Master Creator

Safe and secure

A new role to play

Heaven as your playground

When I see that clearly

It brings me joy

Helping me detach from the pain

Engulfing me

Here on earth

E.A. Fussell

01.22.2021

Word Power

Chatter

Chatter

Chatter

Pointless noise

Nonsensical nonsense

Diluting the potency

Of the spoken word’s power

The Creator spoke the Universe

Into being

Created all things through speaking

And gave us the authority

To likewise create

Yet we do not comprehend

And we waste our gift

As we go around

Speaking gibberish

Common pleasantries

How was your day

How do you feel

What have you been up to

Did you hear about so and so

Have you tried such and such

Blah

Blah

Blah

And worse

Cursing ourselves with negativity

I’m tired

I’m bored

I’m not feeling well

I wish I could afford it

I don’t want to do this

I’m afraid of that

Lost in

Eternal condemnation

By our own tongue

Get a grip on yourself

Change you speaking

And you will

Change your living

Speak goodness into yourself

Into the world

If each of us stood firm

In the authority we’ve been granted

And spoke powerfully

Into the atmosphere

Miracles would happen

The world would shift

Back onto it’s true axis

There is almighty power

In the spoken word

As stated in John 1

In the beginning was the Word

And the Word was with God

And the Word was God

Ponder that

Then use your words wisely

E.A.Fussell

1.20.2021

Wasted love for foolish pride

You should have asked me

To marry you

I would have

You thought our age difference

Was an issue

It wasn’t

I wanted you to ask me

But to have told you thus

Would have been like

Asking you to ask me

And then

I would have had to say

No

To save my pride

Silently I waited

You didn’t ask

I moved with my work

The distance

Made you question us more

Resentment grew

You felt neglected

I felt rejected

Silently we stewed

Until suddenly

Subtly

There was no more us

Just me

And you

Going on with our lives

Separately

I still think about you

Remember your voice

Your laugh

Your mind

That brilliant mind

The kind that’s hard to find

The kind I long to be

And suddenly

I realize

Foolish misplaced pride

Blinded me at the time

And what should have been

I should have asked you

To marry me

E.A. Fussell

01.16.2021

Time blowing by

My sails are set

At least for today

I know my direction

Come what may

Caught in the winds of time

Blowing furiously

My eyes on the distant horizon

Keep me filled with hope

One day soon

Maybe longer

Things will change

There will be welcoming shores

But for now

I catch the wind

Ride the tides

Crest the wave’s swale

Until it’s time

To furl my sails

E.A. Fussell

1.12.2021