Happy 38th Birthday Son

The bravest thing I ever did

Was continue to live

The day you died

Those who see me now

Will never know

The pain I’m in

Or the grief I battle

Each and every day

In a multitude of ways

They can not see

My heart

Ripped and torn

Thinking about

The day you were born

They can not see

My tortured mind

Tangled up

In the ties that bind

A mother to her son

They can not see me

When I’m driving along and

Your favorite song comes on

A memory flashes

The tears freely flow

I see your smiling face

I hear your voice

I reach out to hug you

But you’re only a vapor

Drifting around in my mind

If I seem distant to others

It’s because I am

A part of me

Has left this place

It is gone forever

My heart

Is wherever you are

Happy Birthday Derreck

Love, mom

E.A. Fussell

04.15.2021

In loving memory of my son Timothy Derrreck Howard

04/15/1983 – 01/20/2021

Gonzalez, Texas

Gonzalez, Texas

In August of 1825 Empresario Green DeWitt established the first Anglo-American settlement west of the Colorado River known as Gonzalez, Texas. It was also the site of the first skirmish of the Texas Revolution.

In 1831 the Mexican government granted the settlers of Gonzalez the use of a small cannon to defend themselves against Indian raids. Then in 1835 when disputes began between Anglo settlers and the Mexican government a contingent of more than 100 Mexican soldiers from San Antonio was sent to take the cannon back.

When the soldiers arrived in Gonzalez there were only eighteen men standing between them and the cannon. The men manipulated the soldiers with a variety of excuses to keep them at bay as they secretly sent out messages to their surrounding neighbors to come and assist them. Ultimately they refused to allow the soldiers to take the cannon.

On October 2, 1835 the first shots of Texian independence were fired. The messages sent out for assistance had been successful and the number of men rebelling against the soldiers efforts to take the cannon had grown from eighteen to over one hundred. Their successful resistance became known as the Battle of Gonzalez. This little skirmish is considered to have been the start of the Texas Revolution clearly marking the break between colonists and the Mexican government.

A flag bearing the likeness of the cannon and the words “Come and Take It”, sewn by the women of Gonzalez, was flown when the first shots of Texan independence were fired.

E.A. Fussell

04.13.2021

Fun & Fabric Roadtrip Day 2

Gee’s Bend, Alabama, is a hamlet famous for its quilting community. Some consider the quilts of Gee’s Bend among the most significant African-American cultural contributions to the history of art within the United States. It was one of the stops on a nine-day road trip my friend Sharon Curry and I were on visiting quilt museums and fabric shops in several states. 


On the way to Gee’s Bend, we passed a fascinating display of antique farm equipment and stopped to explore. There is something deep in my core that loves farming and gardening. I’ve tried my hand at both but have seldom been able to grow anything as beautiful as my grandpa’s vegetable gardens or as festive as my granny’s Christmas cactus and Easter lilies. I recognized some of the equipment, but others were too antique. Thankfully, each piece of equipment had a plaque with the name of the farmer who had donated it as well as what it was used. 

We continued on our way through south Al­abama and made it to the hamlet of Gee’s Bend around mid-morning. We discovered that the building housing the historic quilts was closed on Sundays. We decided to explore the building site and surrounding neighborhood anyway. There was a ‘Quilt Trail’ that you could drive along and see sizeable individual painted quilt squares displayed at several locations. We mapped out our route and started following the Quilt Trail to locate all the squares.  

We were having fun driving along the Quilt Trail, spotting the various brightly colored squares. When we found a square, I would jump out of the vehicle, take photos of it, jump back in, and then Sharon would drive along until we spied the next one. After several stops, as I got back into the SUV, instead of heading out in the direction of the next square waiting to be discovered, Sharon whipped the vehicle around and headed in the opposite direction. At first, I thought she had misunderstood my directions, so I repeated them.  She just smiled as she slowly continued in the opposite direction. I looked up to see what she was focused on. It was apparent she was headed straight toward two men.  


I was taken by surprise and wasn’t sure what to think. This behavior was completely out of character for Sharon. As we approached the men, I inquired of her a little nervously but with a smile, “What are you doing?”. She smiled back. “I bet these men know where we can find some quilts!” She rolled the window down, stopped the car, and cheerfully called out, “Good Morning!” The two men seemed excited that we had stopped,

especially the tall, lanky one. “Good Mornin’,” they replied just as cheerily. The tall, lanky one took the lead. “Is you ladies lookin’ for some quilts?” “Why yes, we are!” Sharon couldn’t hide the excitement in her voice. I couldn’t hide my wide-eyed amazement at the scene playing out in front of me. The two men chuckled, and the tall, lanky one answered, “Well, I’d knows right where to find some. Follow me! It ain’t far, just right over there.” Much to my amazement, Sharon followed him.



At this point, I became slightly alarmed. I’ve known Sharon all of my life. Her husband Roy was one of my dad’s closest friends from childhood, so Sharon had been part of my life from its very beginning, which just goes to show that you never really know someone regardless of how long you have known them. If you had asked me a few minutes ago whether or not Sharon Curry would play tagalong with a strange man in a strange land, I would have assured you that she would not do any such thing. But suddenly, the tagalong episode was playing out live, and I had a front-row seat. 

Sharon has been sewing for more than fifty years and became a serious quilter over a decade ago. She is always on the lookout for interesting quilts, quilting ideas, and fabric. She was enthralled with the idea of finding a hidden treasure on the back roads of Gee’s Bend.  Not being a quilter myself, I was not distracted by the hunt for a handmade treasure and became acutely aware of our situation. Let me remind you what the situation was: Two women from South Florida on a road trip, traveling through a remote hamlet in Alabama, following an unknown tall, lanky man to an undisclosed unfamiliar location to look at handmade quilts.  That was just the beginning. It gets more interesting.

We offered to let the tall, lanky man get in the vehicle’s with us, but he refused. Insisting it was just “right over yonder.” About two blocks later, we found ourselves parked in front of a single wide mobile home. Tall and lanky was motioning for us to come around back. I swear I never saw Sharon move as quickly as she did, getting out of the SUV and nearly sprinting around back, clearly anticipating what quilt treasures she was about to discover.

On the other hand, I proceeded with caution and took a few minutes to look around the area, observing where the next sign of a living soul might be should we need to scream for help. I was also trying to decide whether to be excited that Sharon was having so much fun or concerned because we had no clue where we were, and there was definitely not a quick escape route. After determining that the area looked well-kept with no imminent signs of danger, I decided we were reasonably safe and went to find Sharon. 

Walking cautiously around the back of the trailer, I saw Sharon and the stranger hanging quilts up on a wire clothesline. Two plastic bins were overflowing, and the tall man was hanging them up on the multiple rows of wire so they could be fully viewed.  It created a magnificent display, and Sharon was able to inspect each quilt thoroughly.  She was making her way through the lines looking at the fronts and the backs of each creation.  “What’s your name?” I asked the tall and lanky stranger, trying to appear politely curious instead of like I was taking mental notes for a future police report. “Fortune Hoppins, that’s my real name,” he beamed. “Sure it is,” I thought to myself as I verbally replied, “That’s an interesting name.” Sharon was lost in the lines of quilts, inspecting the seams, comparing the patterns. “Hold on now, I gots some more” Fortune disappeared inside the trailer. I asked Sharon, “Do you think whoever made these quilts knows he’s trying to sell them to us?” Sharon chuckled and kept on inspecting the quilts picking out her favorites among them. 

Fortune reappeared with another large plastic bin filled to overflowing. While he was hanging more quilts up, I asked, “Did you make all of these yourself?” he laughed. “Lawd no! My wife made them.” Sharon commented on what a good job she had done. As the handmade treasures gently wafted in the wind, I continued with my inquiry. “Does she know you are out here trying to sell us these quilts?” I laughingly asked. For the first time, I sensed a pause in Fortune’s enthusiasm. “Well, she’s at church right now. But my wife is always tryin’ to sell her quilts.” Fortune continued to assist Sharon in viewing the quilts. Sharon picked out a few she liked and asked the price. Fortune started his sales pitch of how long it took for his wife to make them and how each one was signed. Sharon expressed her understanding of the time it took being a quilter herself and pressed Fortune to give her a price. Again I sensed hesitation, and my instinct told me his wife may not be thrilled with him playing quilt broker with her quilts. 

“What time does your wife get home from church,” I asked. Sensing he may be about to lose this sale, he said. “Oh, there ain’t no way to know about that, but I tell you what we’ll do.” He was quickly gathering the quilts that hadn’t gained our attention and refilling the plastic bins. “We’ll take the quilts you like down to the church and see my wife. Let me just put these others back in the house.” Sharon was agreeable; she liked the idea of haggling with the actual maker of the quilt. I, on the other hand, raised a skeptical eyebrow. I wasn’t thinking about the quilt deal at play. I was thinking about a husband dragging his wife out of church to meet two strange women who were hauling him around town in an out-of-state car loaded down with her precious creations. I expressed my concerns aloud, but Fortune insisted it would be okay. It was only a couple of miles down the road, and church hadn’t started yet.

Sharon had sprinted around the front. She was already moving things around in the backseat to fit in Fortune and his wife’s quilts when he and I got to the vehicle.  As Sharon drove us down the road in the direction of the church, Fortune volunteered his photo identification to me cheerily,  He said, “See, this is my God-given name,” and sure enough, there was his face smiling proudly with his name “Fortune Hoppins” printed on an official government-issued identification card. 

When we got to the church parking lot, he was quick to direct Sharon to park on the side of the road, “You don’t want to get blocked in. All them folks be showin’ up any minute.”  I laughed and commented I thought he was the one that didn’t want to get blocked in case his wife wasn’t as delighted to see us as he thought she might be. Fortune grinned and headed off in the direction of the church. “Y’all waits right here. I’ll be right back.”  Sharon and I stepped out of the car to await his return, and we noticed a cemetery on the side of the church parking lot. “We’ll be lucky if we don’t end up under one of those headstones when his wife gets a hold of us,” I commented. Sharon ignored my prediction and gave me instructions on the maximum amount I should agree to pay for the quilt top I had selected.

In a few moments, Fortune came back escorting a very dressed-up, highly agitated woman he introduced as his wife. We tried to make her smile by relating the story of how we came to be standing on the side of the road in front of the church parking lot with a bunch of her quilts and her husband. All we got was a raised eyebrow. Sharon explained that she herself was a quilter and started complimenting Mrs. Hoppins on her stitching, which finally brought a smile to her face. 

Then the haggling started. Mrs. Hoppins named her price, Sharon countered. Mrs. Hoppins went over how much time each quilt had taken. 

Sharon agreed, “I know how long it must have taken you, and it’s beautiful, but I am on a fixed income…”. 

And Fortune was in the background, continuing to play both sides, trying to get one of them to fold. He would encourage his wife, “Now baby, you knows we need that money,” and prod Sharon, “She done put a lot of time in these quilts, and she signed her name on them, they’s one of a kind.” 

After several minutes of haggling with no one budging, I pulled out the small quit-top I had selected to ask Mrs. Hoppins what her price was for it. She gave me a price nearly double what Sharon had advised me to pay.

By this time, I had fully absorbed the magnitude of the situation we were in. I am guessing you have too, but let me recap it for you: Two women have followed a strange man home, plundered in his wife’s handmade quilts, loaded a few of the precious creations, and the man into an out of state car, driven to a church and interrupted Sunday School to drag a fancily dressed agitated woman out into the parking lot to haggle over pricing on her quilts that are in Sharon’s car. There was no way I was going to end up under one of those tombstones beside the church that day. I agreed to the price Mrs. Hoppins stated and went to get the cash out of my purse. 

My willingness to pay full price somehow softened the tension in the air between Sharon and Mrs. Hoppins. As I handed over the cash, Fortune started gently encouraging his wife to make a deal with Sharon. Much to everyone’s delight, she softened her position, and after a few minutes, Sharon had negotiated a good deal on the quilt she liked best. 

Cash was exchanged for the quilts, which were loaded back into the car, goodbyes were said, and Mrs. Hoppins instructed us to take her husband back home.  We were more than happy to oblige.  We waved goodbye and watched the fancily dressed Mrs. Hoppins strut back into church a little more cheerful as Fortune slid into the back seat for the ride home with a huge smile on his face, happy with his success in helping to sell two of his wife’s quilts.  

I can’t recall everything Fortune said on the short ride home, but he had Sharon and me laughing as he expressed what would have happened to him when his wife got home if Sharon and I had not bought any quilts, and we are still laughing about it today.  We dropped him off at home, and he invited us to stop by again if we were ever in the area.  

Fortune Hoppins was one of the most entertaining souls I have had the pleasure to meet in my travels. If I’m ever in his neighborhood again, I will definitely look him up and see if he remembers the time he instigated quilt negotiations one Sunday morning in the church parking lot. 

E.A.Fussell

The Chisholm Trail

After the Civil War millions of cattle were herded out of Texas. These cattle drives helped to elevate Texas out of post-Civil War poverty. There were several cattle drive routes used during the decades long migration, but none captures my imagination like the one known today as The Chisholm Trail.

On The Chisholm Trail cattle from the southern regions of Texas were herded toward San Antonio then driven upward through Texas and Oklahoma all the way to Abilene, Kansas.

This weekend I will explore the lower Texas triangle from Gonzalez to Cuero to San Antonio. It seems that most of the lower area cattle were driven toward San Antonio and onto the main trail from there. My intention is to travel the entire trail, a section at a time, as my weekend schedule allows over the next few months.

If you have driven the trail, or parts of it, or studied the trail. Please share your insights and thoughts if you feel like it.

E.A. Fussell

04.10.2021

Can you hear me

I used to tell you

I love you to the moon and back

A million times

Do you remember

You were the only thing

That kept me hoping

And now

Somedays it feels like

All hope is gone

This is one of those days

I see your eyes

Light up

I hear your laugh

I feel your hug

I’m running to you

Running for my life

But going nowhere

I wake up

And I’m still in this lonely place

I know you’ll make it

Anywhere

I wish you had known that

While you were here

You made your choice

I have to accept that

But to think I might not ever

See your eyes again

Makes it hard not to cry

Can you hear my voice

Can you see my tears

Do you know how very much

I love you

No matter that worlds

Separate us now

You live on in my mind

And in my darkest days

The memory of

Your beautiful smile

Lights my way

And eventually

Pulls me up from

The darkest place

E.A. Fussell

02.21.2021

There comes a time

Death comes

Whether we are ready for it or not

Some can resist the darkness

Healing themselves

From their various ailments

And disease

Through the aid of those

Who call themselves doctor

Maybe through faith in prayer

Death can be held at bay

Until the fateful day

When death finally comes

Others cannot resist it

Their dis-ease in this world

This life

Creates in them a hopelessness

That in itself is a disease

Eating away at their dreams

Eroding their hope

Their ability to enjoy life

Their desire to see what the future

Here may hold for them

When death comes

They silently welcome him

Escaping the tethers

Of their addiction to pain

Choosing to move on

To another realm

Leaving loved ones

To deal with grief

Wondering if their was anything

They could have done differently

That would have changed

The course of time

And left a more hopeful soul

For death to find

On that dreadful day

When, too early

Death did come

E.A. Fussell

02.14.2021

A never ending battle

Mastering detachment from

Thoughts that cause pain

Letting them show up

Letting them go

Not ignoring them exactly

Simply acknowledging

They are there and

A choice can be made

When they come

To engage with them

Or not

Wallow in misery

Become immobilized by pain

Walking down memory lane

Or sit quietly

Reflecting only the love

That exists in the memory

Detachment allows

Awareness of the emotion

While choosing not to get lost in it

On the outside others wonder

What is going on

Is it denial

When will the grief express itself

They fail to understand

The grief expresses itself

Every minute

Internally

Asking me to pick it up

Play with it

Scream, sob, be ripped apart by it

I acknowledge the request

And choose not to participate

At least for this moment

Understanding that

In the next moment

When the invitation comes again

I may not be strong enough

To remain detached

I may choose

To play with grief

Let it overtake me

The invisible battle inside

My mind and heart

Going on minute by minute

Turning me into someone else

I’m not sure who she will be

This woman who no longer

Has a son

Is no longer a mother

Can no longer expect to be called

Grandmother

She is something different

Than the me of a week ago

But not yet what the me will be

After battling this grief

Which moment by moment

Asks to consume me

E.A. Fussell

1.30.2021

Looking backwards

Enlightenment

It’s such a catchy phrase

People toss it around

Like confetti

Sparkly and fun

It’s not fun at all

It’s a simple complicated process

Filled with regrets and guilt

Sorrow and remorse

Forgiveness and letting go

Burning up thoughts

Ripping out layers of programming

To reach increasing levels of

Insight

Understanding

And finally

Wisdom

Which eventually leads to

Enlightenment

Thinking back on my

Decades of seeking it

I am reminded of an old saying

Ignorance is bliss

Sometimes I wish I was still ignorant

Of this thing others call

Enlightenment

Sometimes I wish I was still

That blissful young woman

In her twenties who hadn’t heard of

The catchy phrase yet

She was wrapped up

In thoughts of her husband

And her young son

She was ignorant of trying to reach

A higher level of consciousness

Yes, sometimes I wish I was still her

If given a second chance

I’m not sure I would choose to chase

The catchy phrase

I might let someone else

Have all of the confetti

And stay safely

In the ignorance of my blissful life

Instead of setting out on this long

Painful pilgrimage

Through truth to enlightenment

That blisters like the sun

The journey of which has been

Many things

But most certainly

Not fun

E.A. Fussell

01.24.2021

Accepting

Self awareness

You have to meet people

Where they are

Not where you wish they were

Or even where you are

We are on individual journeys

Existing on different planes

Of consciousness

As much as you may want someone

To see things the way you see them

They may not choose to

They may not be ready to

They may not ever be able to

Their journey through this world

May be very different than yours

And that’s okay

You are only responsible for

Your own journey

Accepting others where they are

In their journey means letting go

Of being right

Right for you may be wrong for them

Right for them may be wrong for you

Only God judges in the end

And when you stand before Him

He will only be looking at you

Not them

E.A. Fussell

01.24.2021

Loss of a son

Wild fire

Blazing in my heart

Burning up my mind

The mother in me is ravaged

My soul knows

You are in a better place

No more suffering

You are with the Master Creator

Safe and secure

A new role to play

Heaven as your playground

When I see that clearly

It brings me joy

Helping me detach from the pain

Engulfing me

Here on earth

E.A. Fussell

01.22.2021