A never ending battle

Mastering detachment from

Thoughts that cause pain

Letting them show up

Letting them go

Not ignoring them exactly

Simply acknowledging

They are there and

A choice can be made

When they come

To engage with them

Or not

Wallow in misery

Become immobilized by pain

Walking down memory lane

Or sit quietly

Reflecting only the love

That exists in the memory

Detachment allows

Awareness of the emotion

While choosing not to get lost in it

On the outside others wonder

What is going on

Is it denial

When will the grief express itself

They fail to understand

The grief expresses itself

Every minute

Internally

Asking me to pick it up

Play with it

Scream, sob, be ripped apart by it

I acknowledge the request

And choose not to participate

At least for this moment

Understanding that

In the next moment

When the invitation comes again

I may not be strong enough

To remain detached

I may choose

To play with grief

Let it overtake me

The invisible battle inside

My mind and heart

Going on minute by minute

Turning me into someone else

I’m not sure who she will be

This woman who no longer

Has a son

Is no longer a mother

Can no longer expect to be called

Grandmother

She is something different

Than the me of a week ago

But not yet what the me will be

After battling this grief

Which moment by moment

Asks to consume me

E.A. Fussell

1.30.2021

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