Sometimes the heart gets tangled up with the mind and one, or both, lose their way. When this happens it takes unimaginable force to move one, or both, back on track.
My heart has been tangled up with your memory for months. Chasing it around. Seeing you in every room. Hearing you in every song. Missing you with every breath. I lost my way in despair and disillusionment. Sinking into the quicksand of what could have been.
God whacked me good with his mighty hammer until He beat a way back into my heart, where I had been pushing Him out of. I was angry because He took you from me. But you were never really mine, He had only loaned you to me for a time. 💔
The heart can be broken, crushed, almost pulverized. Miraculously it continues to beat, continues to struggle to survive, even when a person doesn’t want to survive. The heart fights for life. It is sort of like when an exhausted fighter is knocked down in the ring. The crowd doesn’t believe the fighter will be able to get back up. Then somehow the fighter struggles to stand and deliver the final winning blow to their opponent. The winning fighter gets a burst of energy from the adrenaline of the win then goes off to rest, heal and prepare to be knocked down again.
I had pushed grief down for months. Trying not to let it win. Then December ushered it in. Knocked me down. Flat out cold. Until God took back His hold on me. Whacked me with His mighty Spirit. Gave me rest inside His loving arms. Assuring me that, even though I will never be as happy as I could have been, joy will return. My eyes will lose their dullness and regain a sparkle if I allow His light to shine through me. Miraculously my broken heart can be made whole through the power of His nail in my soul.
When God has a point to prove He may whack you a few times, harder each time, until you get His point. Which is a lesson that reminds me of a Winston Churchill quote:
“If you have an important point to make, don’t try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time – a tremendous whack.”
E.A.Fussell
12.31.2021
E. A. Fussell 