Mastering detachment from
Thoughts that cause pain
Letting them show up
Letting them go
Not ignoring them exactly
Simply acknowledging
They are there and
A choice can be made
When they come
To engage with them
Or not
Wallow in misery
Become immobilized by pain
Walking down memory lane
Or sit quietly
Reflecting only the love
That exists in the memory
Detachment allows
Awareness of the emotion
While choosing not to get lost in it
On the outside others wonder
What is going on
Is it denial
When will the grief express itself
They fail to understand
The grief expresses itself
Every minute
Internally
Asking me to pick it up
Play with it
Scream, sob, be ripped apart by it
I acknowledge the request
And choose not to participate
At least for this moment
Understanding that
In the next moment
When the invitation comes again
I may not be strong enough
To remain detached
I may choose
To play with grief
Let it overtake me
The invisible battle inside
My mind and heart
Going on minute by minute
Turning me into someone else
I’m not sure who she will be
This woman who no longer
Has a son
Is no longer a mother
Can no longer expect to be called
Grandmother
She is something different
Than the me of a week ago
But not yet what the me will be
After battling this grief
Which moment by moment
Asks to consume me
E.A. Fussell
1.30.2021
E. A. Fussell 